STRESSED!!!!!

Stress will be the death of me.  Stress.  Stress and worry.  Worry will be the death of me.  Worry and stress.  Ah, what the hell do I know?  I'll tell you  what I know, I know that stress and worry will be the death of me, that's what I know.

I was never like this before.  Well, alright, I did worry about money for most of my life, BUT, I always held down a job, usually two, and sometimes three, if you count the small lawn mowing business my son and I ran for a few years.  Quite a profitable little business too, I might add.  So it was never really a big worry because I always knew I had the means to make more money if what I was doing at any point was not enough. 

When I got laid off from the steel mill back in the early 80's, I collected unemployment, enjoyed spending time at home with the wife and young son, and soon after with the newborn little girl that blessed our lives.  Life was really good in spite of not having a job.  I went to Pittsburgh Bartending Institute, learned the nuances of being behind a bar, and worked part time bartending while collecting my U.C. checks. I recall a conversation with a mill coworker at the time, Jack Burbage, who was in the same situation as I was.  He had said that life seemed so hard.  I disagreed entirely and told him I thought life seemed too easy sometimes.  That's when I started saying "Life is Good".  It's been my mantra ever since.  LIFE IS GOOD!

When the unemployment checks were close to running out, through the help of my best friend and the best man at my wedding, Chris, I landed a job at 84 Lumber.   It was unlike any job I had held before, but it would pay the bills and held the hope of advancement in the company, so although from the start I didn't like the job, I did what I had to do, for a month!

Fortunately, the mill called me back to work, and I gladly returned, albeit for only one more year before being permanently laid off.  I then truly started my bartending career at the Red Bull Inns, and that's kind of when the money worries began to affect me.  Working for tips can be stressful.  Slow, bad days happen frequently and sometimes unexpectedly.  To this day I can never guess whether any given night is going to be busy or slow.  Oh sure, New Year's Eve, Mother's Day, St Patty's Day etc. will always be busy.  Friday nights will almost always be good nights, but for the most part to try and figure out when you'll be busy and when you won't is in no way an exact science.  I have learned through the years though, that it all averages out.  No matter where I've worked I've known that I could expect a given amount of tip income at any time of the year.  It helped to alleviate some of the stress, but the worry never completely went away.

Looking back, stress started really effecting me upon my move to Florida.  From my first nights here, alone in an empty house, I worried about whether it was the right move to make or not.  Honestly, I still haven't come to terms with that stress and I often think about moving back to Pennsylvania.

Working at T.J. Carneys was stressful because Mr. Carney is such a drunken asshole.  Working for Tom, no one ever knows from one day to the next if the man is going to come in drunk after a bad day of golfing and take out the rage from his unhappy existence on you.  I made good money there, but the stress of working for a demon like that, and his gargoyle of a sister in law who runs the kitchen took its toll.  Leaving there and getting out from under his control is one decision that I do not regret.

I now find myself stressing about some of the other decisions, most of which I feel have been bad decisions, that I've made since moving here.  A failed attempt at buying a house which ended up costing me a few thousand dollars, a failed attempt at starting a lawn business, which again, cost me money, a failed attempt at a marriage to the woman whom I had thought was my soul mate, the one woman of my dreams, and I'm dropping tears on the keyboard right now as I write that line because, after 9 months of her being away I still miss her and wonder if she ever thinks maybe she's made a mistake and wants to come back to try to work things out.  I stress the most about if I'll ever get over her having left to go back to Pennsylvania, because although I act like I am over it, in my heart I love her still, and I wonder if I will ever be able to love anyone else that way again, or if I will ever even want too?

I stress about if it was smart to leave Bentley's Resort where I had almost free reign at the Tiki Bar, or did the bad memories there cloud my judgement.  I stress over whether or not to stay in the house I'm in.  I love the house, but because of the pool, which is a big part of why I love it, the rent and utility bills are higher.  Do I move to a smaller place with lower rent and utilities?  Do I buy a small mobile home in one of the "estates" and just enjoy the beach and the weather which are the two big reasons I am still here at all.

It just seems now that worry and stress about almost all aspects of my life are the order of the day. Money worries are paramount because I haven't worked for 3 months, and now that I'm starting the new job at the Bonefish Grill, stress about whether or not this position is going to be the final stop of my bartending career, and am I going to enjoy this job as much as I thought I might, is driving me crazy.  I want to give myself time to settle in and learn the system but I just have serious doubts.  I've done things the same way, the way I was taught was the right way, since becoming the bartender at the Wooden Angel.  Alex hasn't been in business since 1968 by settling for half assed employees.  I held the bartending job there for 14 years.  I thought I knew what I was doing when I started there, but learned so much more under his tutelage and now I'm being told that much of what I've learned through the years is wrong, and I am tempted to say "bullshit".  But I'll submit, and try to do things the "Bonefish way". 

I worry that I've chosen poorly about a lot of things.  Hell, after Bonefish training was over and before I started my first shift on Wednesday, I got a call from SCAT,  That's the Sarasota County Transit Authority.  I had applied there months ago for a transit bus driving position.  They wanted me to come in for a customer relations test the next day.  I told them I couldn't make it because it was going to be my first day as a Bonefish bartender,  The girl laughed and said the Bonefish was her favorite restaurant.  She said she'd hold my application until next month, then call back to see if I wanted to take the test in January.  Now I worry that I missed the opportunity to land a real job with full benefits!  Will the reasons to stress never stop??

Writing these blogs, and in particular this post in this blog, has proven to be therapeutic.  I don't know if all my stresses will be alleviated, but I've gotten them off of my chest and feel like I can breathe a little anyway. 

I always thought that life was supposed to get easier as one grew older.  I look back now and I think maybe Jack was was right, maybe life is hard.  Maybe when I was younger, if I'd have worked smarter instead of harder, things would be easier now, but I didn't work smart, and I refuse to think about that too much, it'd just lead to more stress!

So instead, I'll keep saying Life is Good, I'll keep pretending that I don't miss my wife, but I won't go watch the sunset alone.  I'll keep going into the Bonefish, smiling and pretending to be happy everyday, with the hope that I'll begin to love working there, but I'll keep my eyes and ears open for other options that may present themselves.  I'll keep looking around for a more affordable place to live and if the Bonefish doesn't provide ample income, I'll move, or if need be, I'll find another job or jobs that will provide me with the income that will give me the lifestyle that I want to live

Most importantly, I'll keep doing the other things that I really do love, the things that I don't have to pretend about.  I'll keep going to the gym, working to get fit again so that I can run that race with my son and daughter.  I'm gonna get there Joey and Jenna, you better be ready for me!  Those two are reason enough for me to keep smiling and enjoy life. 

I'll keep pedaling my bicycle to the beach, doing yoga, running through the park and on the beach.  I'll enjoy the sound and the smell of the surf, the warm breeze blowing through the air on a December day, and the crisp cool Florida winter nights.  I'll keep taking those short little jaunts on my Harley that give me a true feeling of freedom, and I will grin and I will say, LIFE IS GOOD!   And most of all, I will mean it.