I first started running almost 20 years ago. I was dissatisfied with condition I was in and wanted to lose weight. Because of the poor shape I was in results came pretty quickly, pounds started melting away, and tone in all my muscles was improving. Because the improvement was so noticeable and because I wanted to keep that improvement going, I made major changes to my diet.
It's funny how running got into my blood, how it soon became something I not only wanted to do but was something I needed to do. The more I ran the more I wanted to run.
Signing up for my first marathon less than a year after beginning running came about quite by accident. A friend that I worked with had heard about my running and we decided to do a 10k together. I had only been running for about a month but already knew 6.2 miles would be like a walk in the park. A severely sprained ankle twisted on an early morning run stepping down from a curb just days before the race prevented us from running that 10k race.
Being the troopers, and novices, that we were, we looked for a race a little further down the road, so to speak. The next race we found in Pittsburgh was the 1993 Pittsburgh Marathon just 8 months later. John and I registered for that.
Training went well for a couple of newbies who had no real idea what they were getting themselves into, but the race itself was much more difficult than we had ever expected. We managed to struggle to finish though, doing more walking than running for the last 6 miles and crossed the finish line in 4 hours, 22 minutes and 4 seconds.
If I wasn't hooked on running before this moment, I certainly was now. The feeling of satisfaction, of accomplishment, of pure elation was more than anything I have ever experienced before and I knew I would want that feeling again.
I ran 3 more marathons over the next 2 years along with numerous other half marathons, 10k's and 5k's.
I ran consistantly after that for the next 7 years or so, but after my divorce and my move to Beaver in 1999, the running slowed quite a bit. I started partying more and although I never completely quit running I went from doing a steady 45 to 60 miles a week to running only a couple days a week if at all.
I gained weight, my blood pressure went up, my cholesterol levels rose and I was even put on meds to regulate those health problems. I moved to florida in 2007 and I've made numerous feeble attempts at fitness in that time but honestly I've done more serious drinking than I have serious running.
I am finding now though that the desire to get back into better physical condition has returned and I'm training hard again to make it happen.
Looking back on the reasons I started running 20 years ago and contemplating why I'm doing it again at this point in my life, I find there's more to it then just seeking a better fitness level. It really stems from the sadness and emptiness I feel inside myself.
In hindsight, when I started 20 years ago I was running from myself and the lifestyle that I was living. Oh, I was trying hard to be a good Dad, and was faking trying to be a good husband, but what I was really doing was taking drugs, drinking, and was a cheating husband. Although this all made me feel like some kind of macho stud, deep down I knew it was all wrong and I knew I was hurting both my children and the sweetest woman I've ever met in my life.
At that time I was actually running away from myself.
Now the situation is similar. The outward reason of course is that I want to get fit again, sure. But once again I'm running out of my inner sadness. I'm running because this time the love of my life has left me and I'm trying to come to terms with that. I'm running from the heartache and pain that I'm still feeling even though it happened months ago. I know I should be over it. I know that I should be moving on.
The difference though is, instead of running away from myself, this time I'm running to try and find myself. I'm trying to find the peace of mind I once had. I'm trying to find the satisfaction of being alone yet not lonely. I'm trying to just be comfortable in my own skin again.
I know I will get there and I know running will help. I know that once I can run without constantly thinking about each foot strike, I know that when I can run without struggling to catch my breath, I know that when I can run without my legs aching, I know that when I can run and just let my mind wander free, peace of mind will come.
Back in the day there was nothing I enjoyed more than LSD. No, not acid! Long, Slow, Distance. A 10 mile run once a week was my favorite way to spend a Sunday morning, just cruising along and finding peace within myself. I'm determined to get there again. I have to get there again. I will get there again.
I will be free and I will be content and I will be happy.
LIFE IS GOOD!
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