Stress will be the death of me. Stress. Stress and worry. Worry will be the death of me. Worry and stress. Ah, what the hell do I know? I'll tell you what I know, I know that stress and worry will be the death of me, that's what I know.
I was never like this before. Well, alright, I did worry about money for most of my life, BUT, I always held down a job, usually two, and sometimes three, if you count the small lawn mowing business my son and I ran for a few years. Quite a profitable little business too, I might add. So it was never really a big worry because I always knew I had the means to make more money if what I was doing at any point was not enough.
When I got laid off from the steel mill back in the early 80's, I collected unemployment, enjoyed spending time at home with the wife and young son, and soon after with the newborn little girl that blessed our lives. Life was really good in spite of not having a job. I went to Pittsburgh Bartending Institute, learned the nuances of being behind a bar, and worked part time bartending while collecting my U.C. checks. I recall a conversation with a mill coworker at the time, Jack Burbage, who was in the same situation as I was. He had said that life seemed so hard. I disagreed entirely and told him I thought life seemed too easy sometimes. That's when I started saying "Life is Good". It's been my mantra ever since. LIFE IS GOOD!
When the unemployment checks were close to running out, through the help of my best friend and the best man at my wedding, Chris, I landed a job at 84 Lumber. It was unlike any job I had held before, but it would pay the bills and held the hope of advancement in the company, so although from the start I didn't like the job, I did what I had to do, for a month!
Fortunately, the mill called me back to work, and I gladly returned, albeit for only one more year before being permanently laid off. I then truly started my bartending career at the Red Bull Inns, and that's kind of when the money worries began to affect me. Working for tips can be stressful. Slow, bad days happen frequently and sometimes unexpectedly. To this day I can never guess whether any given night is going to be busy or slow. Oh sure, New Year's Eve, Mother's Day, St Patty's Day etc. will always be busy. Friday nights will almost always be good nights, but for the most part to try and figure out when you'll be busy and when you won't is in no way an exact science. I have learned through the years though, that it all averages out. No matter where I've worked I've known that I could expect a given amount of tip income at any time of the year. It helped to alleviate some of the stress, but the worry never completely went away.
Looking back, stress started really effecting me upon my move to Florida. From my first nights here, alone in an empty house, I worried about whether it was the right move to make or not. Honestly, I still haven't come to terms with that stress and I often think about moving back to Pennsylvania.
Working at T.J. Carneys was stressful because Mr. Carney is such a drunken asshole. Working for Tom, no one ever knows from one day to the next if the man is going to come in drunk after a bad day of golfing and take out the rage from his unhappy existence on you. I made good money there, but the stress of working for a demon like that, and his gargoyle of a sister in law who runs the kitchen took its toll. Leaving there and getting out from under his control is one decision that I do not regret.
I now find myself stressing about some of the other decisions, most of which I feel have been bad decisions, that I've made since moving here. A failed attempt at buying a house which ended up costing me a few thousand dollars, a failed attempt at starting a lawn business, which again, cost me money, a failed attempt at a marriage to the woman whom I had thought was my soul mate, the one woman of my dreams, and I'm dropping tears on the keyboard right now as I write that line because, after 9 months of her being away I still miss her and wonder if she ever thinks maybe she's made a mistake and wants to come back to try to work things out. I stress the most about if I'll ever get over her having left to go back to Pennsylvania, because although I act like I am over it, in my heart I love her still, and I wonder if I will ever be able to love anyone else that way again, or if I will ever even want too?
I stress about if it was smart to leave Bentley's Resort where I had almost free reign at the Tiki Bar, or did the bad memories there cloud my judgement. I stress over whether or not to stay in the house I'm in. I love the house, but because of the pool, which is a big part of why I love it, the rent and utility bills are higher. Do I move to a smaller place with lower rent and utilities? Do I buy a small mobile home in one of the "estates" and just enjoy the beach and the weather which are the two big reasons I am still here at all.
It just seems now that worry and stress about almost all aspects of my life are the order of the day. Money worries are paramount because I haven't worked for 3 months, and now that I'm starting the new job at the Bonefish Grill, stress about whether or not this position is going to be the final stop of my bartending career, and am I going to enjoy this job as much as I thought I might, is driving me crazy. I want to give myself time to settle in and learn the system but I just have serious doubts. I've done things the same way, the way I was taught was the right way, since becoming the bartender at the Wooden Angel. Alex hasn't been in business since 1968 by settling for half assed employees. I held the bartending job there for 14 years. I thought I knew what I was doing when I started there, but learned so much more under his tutelage and now I'm being told that much of what I've learned through the years is wrong, and I am tempted to say "bullshit". But I'll submit, and try to do things the "Bonefish way".
I worry that I've chosen poorly about a lot of things. Hell, after Bonefish training was over and before I started my first shift on Wednesday, I got a call from SCAT, That's the Sarasota County Transit Authority. I had applied there months ago for a transit bus driving position. They wanted me to come in for a customer relations test the next day. I told them I couldn't make it because it was going to be my first day as a Bonefish bartender, The girl laughed and said the Bonefish was her favorite restaurant. She said she'd hold my application until next month, then call back to see if I wanted to take the test in January. Now I worry that I missed the opportunity to land a real job with full benefits! Will the reasons to stress never stop??
Writing these blogs, and in particular this post in this blog, has proven to be therapeutic. I don't know if all my stresses will be alleviated, but I've gotten them off of my chest and feel like I can breathe a little anyway.
I always thought that life was supposed to get easier as one grew older. I look back now and I think maybe Jack was was right, maybe life is hard. Maybe when I was younger, if I'd have worked smarter instead of harder, things would be easier now, but I didn't work smart, and I refuse to think about that too much, it'd just lead to more stress!
So instead, I'll keep saying Life is Good, I'll keep pretending that I don't miss my wife, but I won't go watch the sunset alone. I'll keep going into the Bonefish, smiling and pretending to be happy everyday, with the hope that I'll begin to love working there, but I'll keep my eyes and ears open for other options that may present themselves. I'll keep looking around for a more affordable place to live and if the Bonefish doesn't provide ample income, I'll move, or if need be, I'll find another job or jobs that will provide me with the income that will give me the lifestyle that I want to live
Most importantly, I'll keep doing the other things that I really do love, the things that I don't have to pretend about. I'll keep going to the gym, working to get fit again so that I can run that race with my son and daughter. I'm gonna get there Joey and Jenna, you better be ready for me! Those two are reason enough for me to keep smiling and enjoy life.
I'll keep pedaling my bicycle to the beach, doing yoga, running through the park and on the beach. I'll enjoy the sound and the smell of the surf, the warm breeze blowing through the air on a December day, and the crisp cool Florida winter nights. I'll keep taking those short little jaunts on my Harley that give me a true feeling of freedom, and I will grin and I will say, LIFE IS GOOD! And most of all, I will mean it.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Hell Week Continues
Where's Jaye? Already they're dropping out. I actually breezed through the retest, and Billy the server trainer tells me I did a great job of recovering. I even managed to do well and pass the fish and sauce test. I'm feeling a little better, but we still have tests on Grilled Specialty's and Sauteed and Baked to look forward too.
Luckily on this day, because of the volume of information on the food menu, 'Chelle, the bar trainer goes easy on us. No bar test today. Instead we get behind the bar and begin the process of learning how things are done the "Bonefish way". Juices squeezed fresh for each drink, infusions made for the specialty cocktails, sangria's made to order according to Bonefish recipes.
I'm beginning to understand why, at the start of class on the first day they had told us they really prefer to start with bartenders who had minimal experience behind bars. It is easier to teach someone with a clean slate, rather than try to erase old practices that have become embedded in our nature. I find that, more than once this week I have wanted to stop and call "BULLSHIT"! I'm shaking this drink WRONG was the one comment that almost had me walking out the door! I've been shaking drinks this way my whole career, learned it a long time ago, was reinforced with it by Alex (the owner of the Wooden Angel for those of you who don't know) when he gave a short discourse on why you shake this way. How can I possibly change my style now? But I bit my lip, kept my mouth shut, and shook up and down like they wanted, you know, the "Bonefish Way".
Classes begin every day at 1 o'clock and we stay there in the restaurant until 11pm. There is usually one short break in the middle, and living close by, I run home for a quick bite to eat.
When I get home at night I study until about 2am, get some sleep, then wake up at 8 to study some more. I tend to believe the old saying that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, because that's how I feel. Maybe I had forgotten how to study after all these years, or maybe my brain is just filled with too much useless trivial bullshit, but I find the information that I am trying to absorb is just all kind of balling together and blending in my head. Maybe I'm over analyzing everything, or maybe I'm just so anxious, nervous and that I am losing confidence in myself. I seem to be doubting everything I'm doing.
I do manage to stay caught up with the food tests through the rest of the week. On Wednesday night we have a staff tasting of every item on the menu and I can honestly say that everything is delicious. So many wonderful sauces and flavors and presented in such a pleasing manner. It's going to be a joy to serve these dishes to my guests knowing that it is all fresh, top quality food.
Thursday goes well, I pass all of the food tests, and it being the first of two "family and friends" nights I get to go into the restaurant to eat. No family here unfortunately, so I ask Sam and Karen to join me. Again, everything is delicious. Sam and I each get a cup of Corn and Crab Chowder, we all share the Edamame appetizer, and I have a Caesar Salad. For entree's, Karen orders the Maryland Crab Cakes, Sam, the Ahi Tuna "Tokyo Style" and I get the Diablo Shrimp Fettucini. Every dish is well presented and tastes fantastic.
Dinner over, and with a few cocktails under my belt, I go back to hitting the books. I haven't really studied the drinks very much because I was too busy working on the food. Once more my confidence is at a low point. Again, things are all blending together in my head. First thing Friday, 'Chelle gives out the drink tests and I stare blankly at the paper. Over a dozen core martini's, along with three sangria's, a half dozen core cocktails and four $5 all day every day cocktails, most of them different from any I had ever made before, and some of them are similar, but different from what I was used to making.
I decide to skip over the core menu and jump right into the sixty or so other drinks that are on the test. These are pretty much the cocktails, old and new, that I had been used to making in the past and I zip through these recipes with confidence.
Unfortunately I've taken up too much time and 'Chelle says, ok, ten minutes! I flip back to the first pages of core drinks and begin to scribble furiously, trying to sift through what I remember studying the night before, and I fill out almost all the recipes. But I am, again, not confident.
By the end of the day on Friday I am given the bad news. I failed the core drink portion of the drink menu and will need to retest on Saturday. I, along with 4 of the other bartenders have to come in early to retake, and, if we expect to be Bonefish bartenders, we have to get 100% on this test!
I get home at 11:30 that night, and try to get to sleep right away thinking that I can study in the morning as I'm too exhausted to try it now, but sleep doesn't come so I break open the book and start reading. I make flash cards, I go over them again and again. Finally, I can't take anymore and at 2 am, I close my eyes.
When I wake up at 8 the next morning, I start again, and doubt fills my head. My head is spinning like a top and I can't stop worrying about what happens if I fail? I try as hard as I can to concentrate but I have to keep getting up and walking around the house in circles to try to clear my mind.
At one I go into the restaurant and the first thing I do is tell 'Chelle, "I have no excuses, and I have no explanation, but I really don't think I'm going to pass this test! When I fail, can I retake it again Monday, and even Tuesday if I have too? I'm not scheduled to work until Wednesday" She tells me to settle down and relax, that she has confidence I will pass it this time.
I sit down with the test, palms sweating, knees shaking, but, low and behold the information just flows. It's almost as if my hand has a mind of its own and the pen doesn't stop writing until all of the questions are answered. It seems all of the information has been retained after all!
I pass the test, we prep for a great "Charity Night" where the YMCA has 180 guests coming in for a cocktail party and to sample all the foods much as the staff had done on Wednesday. There are 10 bartenders left of the 13 that started training. The five of us that had to retake the drink test served as food runners and wine servers while the ones that passed the test on the first try got to go behind the bar for the night.
It was a lot of fun and for the first time all week I relaxed and enjoyed myself. Amanda, our other bar trainer, told me that I did a great job of describing all the dishes I was presenting to my guests. At the end of the night, I'm beat from all the running back and forth from the kitchen, but it's a good tired and I feel the need to celebrate. Walmart and a bottle of Meritage is right up the road, one of the nice things about living in Florida!!
Now though, with most of the training over and showtime about to begin, I'm nervous about my first shift behind the bar this Wednesday. Will I retain all that information? How long will it take before I remember the bar setup and can just grab bottles automatically knowing instinctively where everything is? Can I keep from being nervous with the trainers looking over my shoulder every shift I work for the next week?
I suppose I made it through "Hell Week" so the rest should be downhill. I just can't wait until I'm comfortable enough behind my new bar to relax, have fun and enjoy my work again. Then I'll truly be a "Bonefish Bartender"
Luckily on this day, because of the volume of information on the food menu, 'Chelle, the bar trainer goes easy on us. No bar test today. Instead we get behind the bar and begin the process of learning how things are done the "Bonefish way". Juices squeezed fresh for each drink, infusions made for the specialty cocktails, sangria's made to order according to Bonefish recipes.
I'm beginning to understand why, at the start of class on the first day they had told us they really prefer to start with bartenders who had minimal experience behind bars. It is easier to teach someone with a clean slate, rather than try to erase old practices that have become embedded in our nature. I find that, more than once this week I have wanted to stop and call "BULLSHIT"! I'm shaking this drink WRONG was the one comment that almost had me walking out the door! I've been shaking drinks this way my whole career, learned it a long time ago, was reinforced with it by Alex (the owner of the Wooden Angel for those of you who don't know) when he gave a short discourse on why you shake this way. How can I possibly change my style now? But I bit my lip, kept my mouth shut, and shook up and down like they wanted, you know, the "Bonefish Way".
Classes begin every day at 1 o'clock and we stay there in the restaurant until 11pm. There is usually one short break in the middle, and living close by, I run home for a quick bite to eat.
When I get home at night I study until about 2am, get some sleep, then wake up at 8 to study some more. I tend to believe the old saying that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, because that's how I feel. Maybe I had forgotten how to study after all these years, or maybe my brain is just filled with too much useless trivial bullshit, but I find the information that I am trying to absorb is just all kind of balling together and blending in my head. Maybe I'm over analyzing everything, or maybe I'm just so anxious, nervous and that I am losing confidence in myself. I seem to be doubting everything I'm doing.
I do manage to stay caught up with the food tests through the rest of the week. On Wednesday night we have a staff tasting of every item on the menu and I can honestly say that everything is delicious. So many wonderful sauces and flavors and presented in such a pleasing manner. It's going to be a joy to serve these dishes to my guests knowing that it is all fresh, top quality food.
Thursday goes well, I pass all of the food tests, and it being the first of two "family and friends" nights I get to go into the restaurant to eat. No family here unfortunately, so I ask Sam and Karen to join me. Again, everything is delicious. Sam and I each get a cup of Corn and Crab Chowder, we all share the Edamame appetizer, and I have a Caesar Salad. For entree's, Karen orders the Maryland Crab Cakes, Sam, the Ahi Tuna "Tokyo Style" and I get the Diablo Shrimp Fettucini. Every dish is well presented and tastes fantastic.
Dinner over, and with a few cocktails under my belt, I go back to hitting the books. I haven't really studied the drinks very much because I was too busy working on the food. Once more my confidence is at a low point. Again, things are all blending together in my head. First thing Friday, 'Chelle gives out the drink tests and I stare blankly at the paper. Over a dozen core martini's, along with three sangria's, a half dozen core cocktails and four $5 all day every day cocktails, most of them different from any I had ever made before, and some of them are similar, but different from what I was used to making.
I decide to skip over the core menu and jump right into the sixty or so other drinks that are on the test. These are pretty much the cocktails, old and new, that I had been used to making in the past and I zip through these recipes with confidence.
Unfortunately I've taken up too much time and 'Chelle says, ok, ten minutes! I flip back to the first pages of core drinks and begin to scribble furiously, trying to sift through what I remember studying the night before, and I fill out almost all the recipes. But I am, again, not confident.
By the end of the day on Friday I am given the bad news. I failed the core drink portion of the drink menu and will need to retest on Saturday. I, along with 4 of the other bartenders have to come in early to retake, and, if we expect to be Bonefish bartenders, we have to get 100% on this test!
I get home at 11:30 that night, and try to get to sleep right away thinking that I can study in the morning as I'm too exhausted to try it now, but sleep doesn't come so I break open the book and start reading. I make flash cards, I go over them again and again. Finally, I can't take anymore and at 2 am, I close my eyes.
When I wake up at 8 the next morning, I start again, and doubt fills my head. My head is spinning like a top and I can't stop worrying about what happens if I fail? I try as hard as I can to concentrate but I have to keep getting up and walking around the house in circles to try to clear my mind.
At one I go into the restaurant and the first thing I do is tell 'Chelle, "I have no excuses, and I have no explanation, but I really don't think I'm going to pass this test! When I fail, can I retake it again Monday, and even Tuesday if I have too? I'm not scheduled to work until Wednesday" She tells me to settle down and relax, that she has confidence I will pass it this time.
I sit down with the test, palms sweating, knees shaking, but, low and behold the information just flows. It's almost as if my hand has a mind of its own and the pen doesn't stop writing until all of the questions are answered. It seems all of the information has been retained after all!
I pass the test, we prep for a great "Charity Night" where the YMCA has 180 guests coming in for a cocktail party and to sample all the foods much as the staff had done on Wednesday. There are 10 bartenders left of the 13 that started training. The five of us that had to retake the drink test served as food runners and wine servers while the ones that passed the test on the first try got to go behind the bar for the night.
It was a lot of fun and for the first time all week I relaxed and enjoyed myself. Amanda, our other bar trainer, told me that I did a great job of describing all the dishes I was presenting to my guests. At the end of the night, I'm beat from all the running back and forth from the kitchen, but it's a good tired and I feel the need to celebrate. Walmart and a bottle of Meritage is right up the road, one of the nice things about living in Florida!!
Now though, with most of the training over and showtime about to begin, I'm nervous about my first shift behind the bar this Wednesday. Will I retain all that information? How long will it take before I remember the bar setup and can just grab bottles automatically knowing instinctively where everything is? Can I keep from being nervous with the trainers looking over my shoulder every shift I work for the next week?
I suppose I made it through "Hell Week" so the rest should be downhill. I just can't wait until I'm comfortable enough behind my new bar to relax, have fun and enjoy my work again. Then I'll truly be a "Bonefish Bartender"
Monday, December 12, 2011
Bonefish Bartending
I have been bartending, with only a short break in 1991-1992, since 1983. Count 'em, that's about 28 years of full-time bartending experience. I thought I knew almost everything there was to know, and a few things I'm sure I've since forgotten, about this career, and make no mistake, as I had in the early 90's, it truly is a career. That gap in the 90's occurred because, as a married man, with two young children, I believed that I should stop fulling around behind bars, and get a REAL job. Moving behind a cubicle after attending Pittsburgh Technical Institute for Drafting and Design proved to me that it was much more important to ENJOY the work you to do, rather than do something you thought would make you more money and was a "real" career.
Anyway, with all the knowledge and experience I have, when Bonefish Grill called me about my application, I went into the interview supremely confident that I would be the ace of their staff. Not to sound like a cocky prick, but I mix the best drinks, I know how to handle customers who may have over imbibed, and I carry on a good conversation, minus religion and politics of course!
I coasted throught the interview process with Don, who initially will be the new Bonefish Kitchen Manager, and was passed on to Chris, who will be running the front of the house for the first few weeks. The young gentlemen loved me, hired me after the second interview and informed me that I was the first new hire at the new Bonefish Grill. See that, my confidence was not unfounded.
On the Sunday afternoon before training began I was given two training manuals, one, every person in the front of the house receives, the "Bonefish Server Training Manual", the second, of course was the "Bonefish Bartender Training Manual". I was also told that the first thing upon walking into class Monday morning there would be a test. Having been hired to be a bartender I assumed that my first test would be about tending bar so I went home, threw the manuals down on the coffee table, put my feet up and turned on the football games. Talk about making an "ASS out of U and ME!!"
Surprise, surprise, when I went into class that first day, they handed out a test concerning all the appetizers, "hand helds" and desserts that are on the Bonefish menu. We had to know not only each item, but every ingredient that made up each dish. I was fuckin' baffled. I hadn't even looked at the menu! I guessed my way through as much as I could, but was completely embarrassed by my lack of knowledge. Not only that, but when we were through with the server part of training, the bartenders branched off and were given a test on the Bonefish drink menu. Again, I was dumbfounded. All the Bonefish "core" Martini's and cocktails are recipes developed in house and we have to know all ingredients, garnishes, glassware and procedure for making each drink. Luckily, there is no grading on the cocktail menu, yet, but I'm still wondering what the hell have I gotten myself into?
Jaye, the young fellow sitting next to me apparently had prepared as well as I had. He does nothing but bitch about the volume of information that we are expected to absorb in such a short time. After class I go home, and I am now behind the 8 ball. Not only do I have to retest on Tuesday the food test that I failed on Monday, but I have the test on all the Grilled Fish and Signature Sauces that are unique to the Bonefish.
My confidence is shattered and I am concerned that I will be not be able to keep up with all the other new hires, of which I am certainly the oldest! I know that I have to get caught up on the food portion of the testing first. Even though the drinks are none that I've ever seen before, I feel that they'll come easier than all the food items.
Anyway, with all the knowledge and experience I have, when Bonefish Grill called me about my application, I went into the interview supremely confident that I would be the ace of their staff. Not to sound like a cocky prick, but I mix the best drinks, I know how to handle customers who may have over imbibed, and I carry on a good conversation, minus religion and politics of course!
I coasted throught the interview process with Don, who initially will be the new Bonefish Kitchen Manager, and was passed on to Chris, who will be running the front of the house for the first few weeks. The young gentlemen loved me, hired me after the second interview and informed me that I was the first new hire at the new Bonefish Grill. See that, my confidence was not unfounded.
On the Sunday afternoon before training began I was given two training manuals, one, every person in the front of the house receives, the "Bonefish Server Training Manual", the second, of course was the "Bonefish Bartender Training Manual". I was also told that the first thing upon walking into class Monday morning there would be a test. Having been hired to be a bartender I assumed that my first test would be about tending bar so I went home, threw the manuals down on the coffee table, put my feet up and turned on the football games. Talk about making an "ASS out of U and ME!!"
Surprise, surprise, when I went into class that first day, they handed out a test concerning all the appetizers, "hand helds" and desserts that are on the Bonefish menu. We had to know not only each item, but every ingredient that made up each dish. I was fuckin' baffled. I hadn't even looked at the menu! I guessed my way through as much as I could, but was completely embarrassed by my lack of knowledge. Not only that, but when we were through with the server part of training, the bartenders branched off and were given a test on the Bonefish drink menu. Again, I was dumbfounded. All the Bonefish "core" Martini's and cocktails are recipes developed in house and we have to know all ingredients, garnishes, glassware and procedure for making each drink. Luckily, there is no grading on the cocktail menu, yet, but I'm still wondering what the hell have I gotten myself into?
Jaye, the young fellow sitting next to me apparently had prepared as well as I had. He does nothing but bitch about the volume of information that we are expected to absorb in such a short time. After class I go home, and I am now behind the 8 ball. Not only do I have to retest on Tuesday the food test that I failed on Monday, but I have the test on all the Grilled Fish and Signature Sauces that are unique to the Bonefish.
My confidence is shattered and I am concerned that I will be not be able to keep up with all the other new hires, of which I am certainly the oldest! I know that I have to get caught up on the food portion of the testing first. Even though the drinks are none that I've ever seen before, I feel that they'll come easier than all the food items.
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